Even When I am Overwhelmed

Haven't blogged in a while. It's been good. Just feeling in a bloggy mood today. Hi. How are you. Good to see you.

Ridiculous. Sometimes I feel like the songs I sing are so meaningful that they're like a little prayer. When I was in the really REALLY bad places over the past few months, Kelly Clarkson's song 'Cry' would just cripple me.

I caught this song last week when Kelly Clarkson covered it. I had forgotten how much it meant to me back in the day when I though Alanis Morissette was one of the greatest songwriters of all time. Even then, it's funny, even then I used to sing this song and hope to be like this one day. I've seen friends who have been through hell and stayed good. It is not easy to do that.

"That I Would Be Good" - Alanis Morrissette

that I would be good even if I did nothing

that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down

that I would be good if I got and stayed sick

that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

that I would be great if I was no longer queen

that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself

that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

that I would be loved even when I was fuming

that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity

that I would be good whether with or without you

And away we go

I love the feeling I get when things work out. I love the feeling I get when the air I breathe feels clean and my dreams at night are peaceful. When the music puts me in a good mood instead & when the smile is genuine. Trust myself. That's the lesson I'm learning. Trust myself and let the chips fall where they may...

Valentine - Old 97's

Heartbreak, old friend, goodbye it's me again.
Of late, I've had some thought of movin' in.
Of all the many ways a man will lose his home,
Well, there ain't none better than the girl who's movin' on.

True love, I knew some thought of leavin' you.
Bad thoughts I had, when valentines were due.
Of all the many ways a man will break his heart,
Well there ain't none meaner than he pulls his own apart

Valentine, the destroyer, Valentine, you belong
In the stars, where you are, always rollin' on.
Cried, I've cried till I couldn't carry on.
It's a lonely, lonely feelin' when your Valentine is wrong.
It's a lonely, lonely feelin' when your Valentine is wrong.

Of all the many things that you were countin' on,
Well, there ain't none better than the girl who's movin' on.
No, there ain't none better than the girl who's movin' on.

Shine on

Well, how about that. I have a new favorite band. I'm doing well down here. The sky is clearing up again... Funny how that works

"I'm Going To Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart" - The Eels

I'm gonna tell you what you need to hear
And i'm a little too late
By three or four years
And it may not make much sense
Now that we are apart
But i'm going to stop pretending
That i didn't break your heart

You see i never thought enough of myself
To realize that losing me could mean
Something like the tears in your eyes
And i want to tell you i'm sorry
And it's too late to start
But i'm going to stop pretending
That i didn't break your heart

And it's christmas eve
Years down the line
Sitting here wishing i'd treated you better
When you were mine
And i have no way of knowing where you are
But i'm going to stop pretending
That i didn't break your heart

I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't know what i was doing
But i know what i have done

Just for you

Reason #532

Reason #532 why it's so hard to get over him. Sex dreams about the ex dreams. Very vivid memories. No more caffeine before bed - I can't deny that the boy and I had chemistry.

dammit.

What a wicked game to play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do
To make me dream of you and
I want to fall in love
No, I don't want to fall in love
With you
Wicked Game - Chris Isaac

Things That Matter

"You must always know how long to stay and when to go."

I don't know what to post today and the best I can come up with is that sometimes you do everything you can and it's just not enough. I'm lucky that I can come here to Austin and I finally feel at home when I'm alone - something I haven't felt in months. Sometimes the truth is that no matter what you do, even if you think you did it all right, there's always going to be a different side to the story. It takes two people in love, hard work, and a lot of luck to have a solid relationship. It's possible that luck just wasn't on my side this time.

The best I can hope for at this point is to be a good friend to those who deserve it & to try and trust again. I feel like I've grown up a lot over the last few months. Just being able to talk to friends here in town, not even about the boy but about life, has been such a relief. Being vulnerable around people with whom I've only been 'happy, fun Kelly' has been powerful. Honesty, pain, and rebirth can sometimes be a gift. There are things that matter to me & things that don't. I hope I can distinguish between the two when my next obstacle arises, whenever that may be.

There ain't no talkin to this man
He's been tryin to tell me so
It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go
Cause it would take an acrobat, I already tried all that
I'm gonna let him fly

Patty Griffin - Let Him Fly

No substitute for time

"And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me ‘til
Your dying day
Don’t let me get away"

I was driving through Arizona & New Mexico today when I saw the strangest thing way in front of me. It looked like smoke...but it also looked like rain. I couldn't figure out what it was but it kick-started my brain a little bit and, of course, got me thinking about things you only think about on a long road-trip by yourself.

Rain or smoke? Either the cloud was so full that it had to burst and send everything it held down to earth, or it was smoke: fire that started burning so hot that it had to send itself up into the sky to get relief. No matter which it was, both sides seem to need some release. Like both the cloud & the fire had held on for as long as they could and just couldn't do it anymore. Made me put my problems into perspective. Maybe nature sometimes needed to start over too. Did the cloud move on, start over, grow bigger, & release again? Did the fire burn out and just disappear or did it keep burning for hours? My guess was that it was smoke...turns out it was rain.

Split Screen Sadness - John Mayer

"All you need is love" is a lie 'cause

We had a love but we still said goodbye

Now we’re tired, battered fighters

And it stings when it nobody’s fault cause there's

Nothing to blame

At the drop of your name

It’s only the air you took and the breath you left

So maybe I’ll sleep inside my coat and

Wait on your porch 'til you come back home

Oh, right - I can’t find a flight

So I’ll check the weather wherever you are

Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight

It might be my only right

We share the sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

Split screen sadness (two wrongs make it all alright tonight)

I called

because

I just

Need to feel you on the line

Don’t hang up this time

And I know it was me who called it over but

I still wish you'd fought me ‘til Your dying day

Don’t let me get away

Cause I can’t wait to figure out what’s wrong with me

So I can say 'this is the way that I used to be

There’s no substitute for time

Or for the sadness